A couple of interesting things. I’ve taken a tremendous change of heart in terms digital connection. When I picked up my new phone, I gave in and put all my email accounts on it. I linked this blog and facebook to it. I changed all the pass codes to things I can halfway remember–so I can visit the writer’s workshop should I wish.

I did it so that I don’t have to come looking for these things anymore. I’m going to let them come to me. It’s a trade of some kind. A devil’s bargain? I don’t know.  Time will tell. But I can say this, it frees up my workspace–my mental workspace.

Here’s another change. My prose is starting to alter a bit. What a strange thing to have happen; I can’t explain exactly why. I keep thinking it has quite a bit to do with the fact that my final drafts are read out loud.  That’s a risky proposition–I’m quite a good orator, Shakespeare gives me no pause. But I do think that there is an on-going evolution starting to show itself. I find myself editing in a slightly different way. Towards shorter sentences. Less complicated. Or maybe it’s just that I edit more than I used to. I can’t begin to track how many times I rewrite things. I feel bad for the early adopters over at the workshop. No matter how done I think I am when I post a submission–the truth is I edit for at least another day after the thing has gone up.

So updates then:

If Not For You is on my list of things to rewrite.

Tangelina is in the cooler. Her portrait is in the under painting stage. I am still looking for reference–and failing to find time to work on it. God help me if my two year dry spell turns into three. I am so close to actually going back to painting–but I need purpose. A purpose that matters.

Project 1436 is on hold.

The writing plan for the Baker of Benviue is open and on my desk.

Anyway, nearly finished with a chapter edit. Tangelina is squirreled away  for her deep sleep. After Saturday, my schedule is strangely empty and I am not sure if I can paint, given that the Cintiq is in a common area that gets lots of use.

Editing, however, or writing of any kind for that matter, takes place in my studio–and that takes me out of the household. Let me tell you, part of why writing is so awful is that it takes forever and once I get into that mode it’s so hard to get me to let go of it. My kids become motherless. The past two days has been solid redrafting with an edit for flow this afternoon. That at least the four year can sit on my lap for–because I read it out loud. He stops me and tells me what part he likes– I think he just likes certain words and this chapter had a lot of the word cookie in it. As I matter of fact– I think I may just read this chapter for their bedtime story. It’s a bit scary, but I think they might like it. (They still talk about Tangelina.)

Off I go then. To read.

My studio is a  wreck though. Reference books everywhere. A ton of new magazines I haven’t seriously considered yet. But I admit not knowing where that notebook is bothers me. What I  have instead are three notebooks on the Watcher–one for each ridiculous attempt at a meaningful draft. Not another minute on that project–two years is enough.  And yet don’t we all know five minutes of serious contemplation on it will drag me into that place for another six months, enjoying every minute down that damnable rabbit hole.

A clean up is in order then. Top of the list.

Two other things, for this week. If Not For You gets a fresh draft. I read it last week and found the places that need rewriting. Then a polish based on reviews from eight months ago. That makes two stories ready to go on project 1436. I am seriously contemplating sending out INFY with an illustration. Where is said illustration? I keep asking myself that. I am so resistant to going back to painting. Maybe it’s because my studio is disaster. I hope it’s something stupid like that.

The other thing I want to do is take a look at the next chapters of the Baker. I have a couple of decisions to make on order. Ridiculous actually, it’s very hard to reorder scenes when they aren’t all written. If I am seriously drafting, I have to take down all my inspiration boards and go back to indexing the entire scene list with cards.

I sort of see the shape of it mentally now, but it’s still fuzzy. It is very very difficult to be so split between visual thinking and writing–they are completely different ways of approaching the same problems. I have trouble switching–compounded by the fact I work on several projects at the same time. People assume I have an attention deficit disorder–but actually it’s a matter of vision. I can’t see the whole thing at once–but I can feel when the answer is out of reach. I switch to another one in order to give myself time. The answer will come if it is within my current understanding. If it isn’t then that time is for growing.

That’s why the Watcher is such an enigma  to me. A powerful piece of work, personally. Vision beyond my capacity to express. No matter how many drafts I make, they will all be crude and heavily flawed. The whole of the thing is so big. Not plot–though I was schooled on that in several face to face critiques. What lies beyond. My conviction for the truth of that piece. Not for a writer of only four years. I can’t even consider a writing plan for it–months upon months of thinking on it.

I believe this a good part of where my  passion for critique comes from; there is nothing more beautiful in the world than watching someone else come to that precipice of truth expressed.

So, off to work then. Cleaning up the beautiful disasters. (Edited to add–I found that notebook. It was close at hand, just hiding.)

But I am coming back to work–at least on all my half-finished critiques that I need to send out before people think I’m not going to return them.

I went to a big city book store this week (which reminds me, I need to write some email too.) Anyway, my bookstore here is tiny–that one up there is just flat out overwhelming. So many books. I can’t even pick one when faced with that many choices. I  almost feel like I need a personal shopper–which is exactly what you get when you go to the library. But I digress a bit here–what it made me think was, what a ridiculous proposition it is to want to add to the fray. I think this where my gut reaction, my project 1436 comes in. I just can’t abide the thought.

But in someways it’s a bit deeper of a reaction. I had read this morning a post by a blogger who went through some of the most popular networks and some of their most popular shows, cataloging the violence and most particularly pornographic violence in the portrayal of women. It’s disturbing to me, these things that used to be talked about in art school  for shock value now made mainstream.

There is something very wrong with a culture that plays so heavily on the princess model for young girls and then turns immediately to sexual objectivication and worse, degradation once we reach adulthood.

I’m not a feminist–but a person of sensibility. Perhaps ultimately, this is my reaction to the feeling I get that the world has pushed past the ideals of beauty and truth. It can’t stand in the face of so much ugliness. Anyway. Back to work. And probably back to Torchlight, until I recover myself.

It’s one of those things. Do it right or don’t do it.

I redrew and painted my title page. Color is so very nice. And yet it lacks–and I know why. I have to change style. I asked opinion. Yes, one must. Go all the way, as far as possible.

These are small works to be sure. But it will require a full blown production schedule. Back to digital painting and my Cintiq.

So what to think of this development?

Inevitable.

Therefore, better to simply accept this as some sort of gift. I am absolutely capable. I have every conceivable tool at my disposal. I only have a few illustrations to do–very very few. So that’s that.

Well, I like it quite a bit actually. That’s some awesomeness.

Yet, here is the problem. This project will get out of control if I let things go too far. So many opportunities for the curse of my perfectionism to take hold and drag everything to a screeching halt.

That’s why I cut the amount of stories down–if not, then a few more months of agonizing perfectionism–that is never perfect. It’s why I decided to go with black and white ornamentation–not even true illustration. Decorative stuff. Then I thought, well maybe just a little bit. A title page. Then on each story’s title page–just a little something.

Then, as I am mocking up the cover– one idea of four, which means I really need a few more–I happened to catch a glimpse of  the title type with a watercolor painting of a princess. Oh, my. But I can’t. Can I?

What could it be? I keep thinking perfectionism will drag me under, but really maybe that’s a more professional way of saying I’m afraid to even try it. No, I can’t do full blown illustration, I just can’t. This is a tiny book. Surely the paper can’t hold up to that much ink. I think that’s true.

But is it also the idea that I don’t think I can find the right image? Draw up the right thing? Is there even such a beast as a right thing? See?–and you know it doesn’t really matter–not really. Personal projects are supposed to be about failure. They have to be very flexible and forgiving of mistakes, otherwise you can’t learn.

So. The question is, have I glimpsed something for the future or something for next week? I wonder how best to find out? I guess I should just continue making mock ups. Stop fooling around and really draw up some stuff.

When I bought my metallic inks for the spine, I just wasn’t thinking. That’s silver leaf I was mentally picturing.

I guess the good news is that it matches the silver metallic inks of the birds on the paper print. The bad news is, there won’t be enough contrast for lettering on the spine. Regrettable, but not an expensive mistake. I could use the gold I have in the same kit.  Or make a trip for gold leaf in the next town and hope they have silver too.

On other things, CS5.5 arrived today and is installed, with an upgrade to 6 coming out shortly. Can’t wait to see what new things these programs have for me to explore, hoping too that they won’t impede my project with new learning curves.

I did some mock ups yesterday of title pages. Some interesting choices to pick from. Should probably do some more before I decide.

CS 6 has shipped. A good thing. The master pages have been designed and test printed. All the fonts bought. The stamps for the spine made and ordered.

What I ought to do now is draw. Find some appropriate music, print out my title display type and mock up some title pages. Or dig through my portfolio sketch boxes and find stuff. I have thousands of sketches. Undoubtedly in there I will find birds and flowers and leaves and so forth. I can think of three pages I’ve done just this last couple of weeks.

But somehow, my mind just isn’t in the right place for it yet. Or maybe it’s my heart. The two can be confused for one another given the right circumstance. In any case, I’m not quite ready in some way that matters.

It usually takes me–oh, six, ten, mock-ups to finally hit the right one. I can’t ever hit perfection the first go round. I guess what I am saying here is that is takes a little bit of courage to go forth. I have to be willing to muck through the muckety muck to get to the good stuff. That’s in my given trade. With my formal education. Perhaps the nature of creative production, I can’t really say. But what I know for sure is you have to let go. Some days it’s harder than others.

On another note, my tools begin arriving next week. Pictures, explanations, and props to a particularly dedicated tool maker coming.

The registers are small. Four pages folded, meaning a set of eight. I blew an entire 2 registers before I realized I needed to take regular copy paper and cut it down to size. I just didn’t think that I wasn’t going to fix my issues in five more minutes time.

So. Here’s what I need to do next. Edit the text. By story. Here’s where all those critiques on line edits come into play.

Simultaneously, I need to be thinking about ornamentation. Little drawings for the text separators and tiny spots for the opening of a story–just three and the title page.

Then I need to print a proofing copy. A good week or more away. In the meantime though, I can order the stamp for the title. Just type, to be done in silver ink, which arrives next week.

A bit further up the road– an order for book cloth and endpapers–for more than one of this little edition to be made– only thinking of it now because I have to get an awl from the same place.

Anyway. Project 1436 is starting to pick up steam.

New typefaces are gorgeous. I am so pleased. And I’ve decided to subtitle this collection as Love, since all the stories therein touch on that subject. Not always the case. And not always with such happy endings.

Anyway. Printing issues next, before I head to design and layout. Then– a book proof. Not a manuscript proof, but a proof of the entire thing.